FINDING CLOSURE
Every morning I wake up and follow at least one routine that I will carry out for the rest of my life. I look into the mirror and see an average guy with a turbulent past and an uncertain future.
I see my flowing brown hair growing longer everyday and a reddish brown beard that has now consumed my entire face.
I see dark circles under my bloodshot blue eyes and wrinkles from at least four years of undue stress. I have just turned twenty-five but I feel as though I’m forty. If experts say that smoking tobacco will add ten years to your life, I wonder what they would say about military service.
I see a new person, one that I never thought I would meet, one that I never knew could possibly exist, but there he stares at me in the mirror. Not so much a stranger, but completely different that I would have ever imagined.
Everyday I see myself in the mirror and am reminded of the new person who stares back. A new me, a refined me. A happy and optimistic me. A fresh mold, a new start. Things will be better now, for I am free and very gratefully alive. The future seems so bright and pure now compared to where I was only a few short months ago. I am in control of my own life once again. I have embraced this new unknown with open arms, waiting to challenge any obstacle that is thrown in my face. I know this new path in life will not be easy, but I will proudly assume responsibility for all my future accomplishments and failures.
As I walk from my home and stroll through the streets, I hit the ground running. New and exciting possibilities loom around every corner. Everywhere I look I see people running to and fro, consumed by their worldly responsibilities. Running errands, heading to work, earning money, spending money. So much to do, and yet I drift through the madness like a ghost. I know I have responsibilities of my own, but they no longer seem to anchor me down like the ball and chain that was my past.
Because I can, I walk into a tavern for an afternoon beverage. “Long island ice teas taste better in Europe,” I think to myself, noticing that almost every cocktail I’ve had in my hometown seem to be watered down. No matter, though. Its just that Europeans have better taste concerning the finer things in life, such as an afternoon head-change. Its not America’s fault. We’re simply a very young nation and have not yet learned to perfect the Art of Living like that of our ancestral neighbors across the Atlantic Ocean. But then again, they are not so big on watching televisions in their pubs, and as I stare across the gray sunlight room, I notice a enormously looming and mind numbing television perched high in the corner.
The few customers in the vicinity of this Electric Fix seem to be watching the broadcast, but I can clearly see that they are not. They have the look of a deer in the halogen headlights of an oncoming vehicle. No reaction of danger or panic, but rather no emotion at all. Completely transfixed by the meaningless visions of commercial advertisements, muted on the big box, emitting no sound at all. In the whole of the land, its just them and the flashy images that fall upon deaf ears.
Within seconds this senseless barrage of consumerism turns to news updates on the channel that broadcasts CNN. A reporter behind a sleek studio desk is moving her mouth, but nothing is said. At first it seems unclear what is being discussed, but in no time another little TV pops up behind and to the right of this talking head, and the theme of the moment is suddenly clear. As the program transcends from the reporter at her desk to actual media footage, it becomes starkly obvious what is going on in that flat screened box. Apparently the war is still happening in Iraq, and wouldn’t you believe that its getting worse.
The images I see perturb me. The feeling is not so much fear as it is uncomfortable distress. Because while most people only see car bombs and explosions and American soldiers running frantically to contain “the situation” on a muted television screen, I see it in real life. I actually hear the booms and bangs of insurgent bombs, and the crackling of machine gun fire, and the hysterical shouting of frightened Iraqi civilians. I can hear a military radio asking for reinforcements, and I can hear the diesel engines of real humvees racing to the scene. I can hear the cocking of M-16’s and orders being shouted to scan for hidden enemy targets. There may not be any sound emitting from the television, but I can hear it, I can smell it, and I can feel it. I know what it is, because not too long ago I was there.
At times it feels as though many years have passed. Weeks go by so fast in my new civilian life that I don’t even realize that it was only five months ago when I was counting days to escape the suffocating madness of Operation Iraqi Freedom II (It Looks Good On Paper). But it doesn’t mean I have forgotten about it. On the contrary, I think about this meaningless war everyday. I can’t hide from the soldier I once was much like I will never be able to bury the memories of one year in combat. Whenever I glance at war coverage on a television, or hear the ignorant hate-talk of our blood mongering president, or read the latest death tolls in the news papers my eyes fill with rage and my heart fills with sorrow. It is impossible for me to ignore what is going on in Iraq when I am constantly reminded of the death and carnage, as well as my participation in the war machine. Some people boast the war chant “never forget”. Well, I never do.
There is nothing that I feel can alleviate the guilt for being directly involved with our illegal and immoral occupation of Iraq. I ask myself from time to time, “Why was I so afraid to resist the order to go to war? Why didn’t I object to the whole damned thing?” I have been told many times not to be ashamed for my service to this country, but I can’t help a genuine intuition that this war is not designed to promote freedom and our beautiful American way of life, but instead only carried out to proliferate Western imperialism and corporate profits every time a bullet is fired. My guilt is synonymous with the sentiment that I was indeed on the wrong side of the wire.
I know that many Americans are completely unaware of what damage our military is wreaking not only in Iraq, but also on our homeland security. An estimated 100,000+ of innocent Iraqi civilians have perished due to gross negligence at the hand of the US military. Not a single day goes by without a non-combatant man, woman or child being slain due to stray bullets, wildly aimed mortar or rocket rounds, or the use of massively destructive air deployed warheads in urban areas. And as this unjustified war continues to rage with no end in sight, the anti-American sentiment across the world continues to escalate enormously. While in Iraq, I never once saw a terrorist with extreme inclinations for senseless bloodshed, but only angry farmers and shop keepers who for one reason or another wish to end our empirical domination over their homeland. What I saw was an honest insurrection fought by average citizens, a perfect guerrilla war ran by no centralized leadership and with the potential to overcome any obstacle furnished by the conventional coalition forces. By any sensible logic, fighting terrorism with war is only counter-productive and in the long run only adds fuel to the fire. With every insurgent we kill, five more stand in his place. One has to ask how this illegitimate attack on innocent citizens is keeping Americans both at home or abroad safe from the perils of a desperate terrorist attack. One thing that I learned in this war was that the Iraqis are people like you or me. They want the very same things out of life as anyone else in the world. Like everyone, they wish only to raise their families and be merry with friends and enjoy life for all that its worth in a peace and harmony that everyone deserves. But the hardest aspect of this lesson rests in the knowledge that every time a child is murdered, a terrorist is born.
Upon returning to the United States I began to feel isolated and alone in many ways. I felt that what I did in Iraq was an enormous crime to the people of Iraq and a great dishonor upon myself and my family. While I was in combat I wrote on this blog site not only to give people a different perspective on the war in Iraq, but also for my own therapeutic reasons. It was a great relief to be able to express my opinions on the matter and hopefully help to spread the awareness that what was being done in the Bush administration’s interests was a great crime against humanity. I thought by writing about my experiences I could do some little bit of good from within the war machine. However, once I returned back to a normal society I felt as though my story was done and finished. I felt that no one really wanted to hear what I had to say anymore and besides, given the jingoistic sentiments being shared all over the country, it seemed that nobody cared anyways.
However, during a conversation I held with a Vietnam veteran who was hitchhiking, I was enlightened to an opinion that this fellow expressed to me in regards to what he felt needed to be done not only in his time, but also in mine. He told me that the most important thing to do now that I have returned home was to speak openly about the war any chance I could get. He told me to grab anyone I can get my hands on and tell that person about the war and make that person understand. The only way to end this vicious melee is to spread the awareness to the public, and only then will we as a people begin to take the power back. All this made perfect sense to me, and at that moment I realized that the veterans of the Iraq war have a huge responsibility to convey our experiences to those who are blinded, show them the truth of this ugly debacle and collectively end this war.
Since then I have become heavily involved in what some would consider to be the “peace movement”. Not only do I share my stories with friends and family and strangers I meet in social situations, but I have also met other veterans who have returned who are not happy with the current administration’s gross belligerence in dealing with our country. I have joined forces with the Veterans For Peace and Iraqi Veterans Against War and met with them at a conference in Dallas, Texas to discuss plans on how to strengthen the antiwar movement. We even went to Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Texas to help Cindy Sheehan establish a peace camp in hopes of meeting Bush, Jr. to ask him a few simple questions. The whole Texas experience was amazing and I really felt that not only did I meet a huge amount of brilliant minds, but also had the pleasure of joining forces with good people and great allies.
I’ve had an extremely busy month traveling with friends and meeting new people who are dedicated to reverse the neo conservative trend happening in this country. In fact, very seldom do I meet anyone who agrees with this madness taking place in our society. Just last weekend I had the privilege of meeting many great individuals at the Hunter S. Thompson memorial in Woody Creek, Colorado. We all had a great time there paying our respects to the late Doctor of Journalism, talking about literature and music and media control and the war and politics all day long until the point when the Doc’s ashes were shot in a great display of pyrotechnics and dispersed across his beautiful Rocky mountain homestead. Rest In Peace, Hunter!
(To all the wonderful people I met this month in Dallas and in Woody Creek, a huge debt of gratitude for your hospitality and for sharing a great sense of solidarity. You all have taught me a very inspirational lesson this month, being that in these ominous times, WE ARE EVERYWHERE!)
So I suppose things are looking brighter everyday, although the proof may not be so obvious at the moment. I get the feeling that with every passing moment the great Pendulum of Fate is starting to swing back to the left. More and more people are becoming aware that we are being conned and fooled into believing the deranged lies of crooks and criminals in Washington, DC. There seems to be less support in taking the lives of innocent Iraqis and having the blood of brave American soldiers calculated into the prices at the gas pumps. I still firmly believe that progressive change cannot happen until we hit rock bottom, and although it potentially can get much worse, I can’t see all the good people in the world allowing it to happen.
As incredibly bad as the army can be at times, it did teach me some very valuable lessons. One is that just because someone with authority is “in charge”, that doesn’t necessarily mean that person is Right, or even a Good person. Not every order handed down is based off of good moral pretexts, and many times the outcome of immoral orders makes the situation as a whole much worse. Eventually common sense, self respect, and real honor for first-rate decency must prevail. Whether you are subjected to the draconian structure of the military or that of our pernicious government, honest dissidence should always remain constant. In the words of the wise Timothy Leary, “ Think for yourself; question authority.”
I would like to say that this will be my last entry on Fight To Survive, but somehow I don’t think it will. My involvement in the Iraq war is over and done, but my experience there is something that I will live with and work through for the rest of my life. I will carry the shame and degradation of probably every soldier who is forced to fight against his common man and against his will, but I shall not let these burdens drag me down. My goal from now on is to overcome the adversity of violence and decadence that is so prevalent in our society. The weapons I choose to fight this battle are communication, peaceful resolution, and complete understanding. The war is now on all fronts, and for me the real war is ending the one in Iraq. I feel I owe it to the victims of this horrible conflict, both the freedom fighters and innocent families on both sides of the spectrum. I simply cannot sit down and allow greed mongers and war hawks to run our countries and govern our lives any longer. I have decided to do my share, collectively with others, to bring this tyrannical administration to its knees through words and acts of civil disobedience. If we allow the bastards to take a little more, soon enough they will have it all. The time has come to stop the madness.
To the many readers of our blogsite I give you my total and sincere appreciation. When I started writing from Iraq I never thought that anyone would care enough to hear from just another soldier. I was soon proven wrong. Your positive insight and support were a huge inspiration for our writing, even after the command ordered us to stand down. We have always felt that the supportive readers of this site were more than friends but trusted allies as well, and we thank you very much.
Until Freedom Forever!
J.D. ENGELHARDT
aka hEkLe
(former) Specialist, 1st Infantry Division, US Army
I see my flowing brown hair growing longer everyday and a reddish brown beard that has now consumed my entire face.
I see dark circles under my bloodshot blue eyes and wrinkles from at least four years of undue stress. I have just turned twenty-five but I feel as though I’m forty. If experts say that smoking tobacco will add ten years to your life, I wonder what they would say about military service.
I see a new person, one that I never thought I would meet, one that I never knew could possibly exist, but there he stares at me in the mirror. Not so much a stranger, but completely different that I would have ever imagined.
Everyday I see myself in the mirror and am reminded of the new person who stares back. A new me, a refined me. A happy and optimistic me. A fresh mold, a new start. Things will be better now, for I am free and very gratefully alive. The future seems so bright and pure now compared to where I was only a few short months ago. I am in control of my own life once again. I have embraced this new unknown with open arms, waiting to challenge any obstacle that is thrown in my face. I know this new path in life will not be easy, but I will proudly assume responsibility for all my future accomplishments and failures.
As I walk from my home and stroll through the streets, I hit the ground running. New and exciting possibilities loom around every corner. Everywhere I look I see people running to and fro, consumed by their worldly responsibilities. Running errands, heading to work, earning money, spending money. So much to do, and yet I drift through the madness like a ghost. I know I have responsibilities of my own, but they no longer seem to anchor me down like the ball and chain that was my past.
Because I can, I walk into a tavern for an afternoon beverage. “Long island ice teas taste better in Europe,” I think to myself, noticing that almost every cocktail I’ve had in my hometown seem to be watered down. No matter, though. Its just that Europeans have better taste concerning the finer things in life, such as an afternoon head-change. Its not America’s fault. We’re simply a very young nation and have not yet learned to perfect the Art of Living like that of our ancestral neighbors across the Atlantic Ocean. But then again, they are not so big on watching televisions in their pubs, and as I stare across the gray sunlight room, I notice a enormously looming and mind numbing television perched high in the corner.
The few customers in the vicinity of this Electric Fix seem to be watching the broadcast, but I can clearly see that they are not. They have the look of a deer in the halogen headlights of an oncoming vehicle. No reaction of danger or panic, but rather no emotion at all. Completely transfixed by the meaningless visions of commercial advertisements, muted on the big box, emitting no sound at all. In the whole of the land, its just them and the flashy images that fall upon deaf ears.
Within seconds this senseless barrage of consumerism turns to news updates on the channel that broadcasts CNN. A reporter behind a sleek studio desk is moving her mouth, but nothing is said. At first it seems unclear what is being discussed, but in no time another little TV pops up behind and to the right of this talking head, and the theme of the moment is suddenly clear. As the program transcends from the reporter at her desk to actual media footage, it becomes starkly obvious what is going on in that flat screened box. Apparently the war is still happening in Iraq, and wouldn’t you believe that its getting worse.
The images I see perturb me. The feeling is not so much fear as it is uncomfortable distress. Because while most people only see car bombs and explosions and American soldiers running frantically to contain “the situation” on a muted television screen, I see it in real life. I actually hear the booms and bangs of insurgent bombs, and the crackling of machine gun fire, and the hysterical shouting of frightened Iraqi civilians. I can hear a military radio asking for reinforcements, and I can hear the diesel engines of real humvees racing to the scene. I can hear the cocking of M-16’s and orders being shouted to scan for hidden enemy targets. There may not be any sound emitting from the television, but I can hear it, I can smell it, and I can feel it. I know what it is, because not too long ago I was there.
At times it feels as though many years have passed. Weeks go by so fast in my new civilian life that I don’t even realize that it was only five months ago when I was counting days to escape the suffocating madness of Operation Iraqi Freedom II (It Looks Good On Paper). But it doesn’t mean I have forgotten about it. On the contrary, I think about this meaningless war everyday. I can’t hide from the soldier I once was much like I will never be able to bury the memories of one year in combat. Whenever I glance at war coverage on a television, or hear the ignorant hate-talk of our blood mongering president, or read the latest death tolls in the news papers my eyes fill with rage and my heart fills with sorrow. It is impossible for me to ignore what is going on in Iraq when I am constantly reminded of the death and carnage, as well as my participation in the war machine. Some people boast the war chant “never forget”. Well, I never do.
There is nothing that I feel can alleviate the guilt for being directly involved with our illegal and immoral occupation of Iraq. I ask myself from time to time, “Why was I so afraid to resist the order to go to war? Why didn’t I object to the whole damned thing?” I have been told many times not to be ashamed for my service to this country, but I can’t help a genuine intuition that this war is not designed to promote freedom and our beautiful American way of life, but instead only carried out to proliferate Western imperialism and corporate profits every time a bullet is fired. My guilt is synonymous with the sentiment that I was indeed on the wrong side of the wire.
I know that many Americans are completely unaware of what damage our military is wreaking not only in Iraq, but also on our homeland security. An estimated 100,000+ of innocent Iraqi civilians have perished due to gross negligence at the hand of the US military. Not a single day goes by without a non-combatant man, woman or child being slain due to stray bullets, wildly aimed mortar or rocket rounds, or the use of massively destructive air deployed warheads in urban areas. And as this unjustified war continues to rage with no end in sight, the anti-American sentiment across the world continues to escalate enormously. While in Iraq, I never once saw a terrorist with extreme inclinations for senseless bloodshed, but only angry farmers and shop keepers who for one reason or another wish to end our empirical domination over their homeland. What I saw was an honest insurrection fought by average citizens, a perfect guerrilla war ran by no centralized leadership and with the potential to overcome any obstacle furnished by the conventional coalition forces. By any sensible logic, fighting terrorism with war is only counter-productive and in the long run only adds fuel to the fire. With every insurgent we kill, five more stand in his place. One has to ask how this illegitimate attack on innocent citizens is keeping Americans both at home or abroad safe from the perils of a desperate terrorist attack. One thing that I learned in this war was that the Iraqis are people like you or me. They want the very same things out of life as anyone else in the world. Like everyone, they wish only to raise their families and be merry with friends and enjoy life for all that its worth in a peace and harmony that everyone deserves. But the hardest aspect of this lesson rests in the knowledge that every time a child is murdered, a terrorist is born.
Upon returning to the United States I began to feel isolated and alone in many ways. I felt that what I did in Iraq was an enormous crime to the people of Iraq and a great dishonor upon myself and my family. While I was in combat I wrote on this blog site not only to give people a different perspective on the war in Iraq, but also for my own therapeutic reasons. It was a great relief to be able to express my opinions on the matter and hopefully help to spread the awareness that what was being done in the Bush administration’s interests was a great crime against humanity. I thought by writing about my experiences I could do some little bit of good from within the war machine. However, once I returned back to a normal society I felt as though my story was done and finished. I felt that no one really wanted to hear what I had to say anymore and besides, given the jingoistic sentiments being shared all over the country, it seemed that nobody cared anyways.
However, during a conversation I held with a Vietnam veteran who was hitchhiking, I was enlightened to an opinion that this fellow expressed to me in regards to what he felt needed to be done not only in his time, but also in mine. He told me that the most important thing to do now that I have returned home was to speak openly about the war any chance I could get. He told me to grab anyone I can get my hands on and tell that person about the war and make that person understand. The only way to end this vicious melee is to spread the awareness to the public, and only then will we as a people begin to take the power back. All this made perfect sense to me, and at that moment I realized that the veterans of the Iraq war have a huge responsibility to convey our experiences to those who are blinded, show them the truth of this ugly debacle and collectively end this war.
Since then I have become heavily involved in what some would consider to be the “peace movement”. Not only do I share my stories with friends and family and strangers I meet in social situations, but I have also met other veterans who have returned who are not happy with the current administration’s gross belligerence in dealing with our country. I have joined forces with the Veterans For Peace and Iraqi Veterans Against War and met with them at a conference in Dallas, Texas to discuss plans on how to strengthen the antiwar movement. We even went to Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Texas to help Cindy Sheehan establish a peace camp in hopes of meeting Bush, Jr. to ask him a few simple questions. The whole Texas experience was amazing and I really felt that not only did I meet a huge amount of brilliant minds, but also had the pleasure of joining forces with good people and great allies.
I’ve had an extremely busy month traveling with friends and meeting new people who are dedicated to reverse the neo conservative trend happening in this country. In fact, very seldom do I meet anyone who agrees with this madness taking place in our society. Just last weekend I had the privilege of meeting many great individuals at the Hunter S. Thompson memorial in Woody Creek, Colorado. We all had a great time there paying our respects to the late Doctor of Journalism, talking about literature and music and media control and the war and politics all day long until the point when the Doc’s ashes were shot in a great display of pyrotechnics and dispersed across his beautiful Rocky mountain homestead. Rest In Peace, Hunter!
(To all the wonderful people I met this month in Dallas and in Woody Creek, a huge debt of gratitude for your hospitality and for sharing a great sense of solidarity. You all have taught me a very inspirational lesson this month, being that in these ominous times, WE ARE EVERYWHERE!)
So I suppose things are looking brighter everyday, although the proof may not be so obvious at the moment. I get the feeling that with every passing moment the great Pendulum of Fate is starting to swing back to the left. More and more people are becoming aware that we are being conned and fooled into believing the deranged lies of crooks and criminals in Washington, DC. There seems to be less support in taking the lives of innocent Iraqis and having the blood of brave American soldiers calculated into the prices at the gas pumps. I still firmly believe that progressive change cannot happen until we hit rock bottom, and although it potentially can get much worse, I can’t see all the good people in the world allowing it to happen.
As incredibly bad as the army can be at times, it did teach me some very valuable lessons. One is that just because someone with authority is “in charge”, that doesn’t necessarily mean that person is Right, or even a Good person. Not every order handed down is based off of good moral pretexts, and many times the outcome of immoral orders makes the situation as a whole much worse. Eventually common sense, self respect, and real honor for first-rate decency must prevail. Whether you are subjected to the draconian structure of the military or that of our pernicious government, honest dissidence should always remain constant. In the words of the wise Timothy Leary, “ Think for yourself; question authority.”
I would like to say that this will be my last entry on Fight To Survive, but somehow I don’t think it will. My involvement in the Iraq war is over and done, but my experience there is something that I will live with and work through for the rest of my life. I will carry the shame and degradation of probably every soldier who is forced to fight against his common man and against his will, but I shall not let these burdens drag me down. My goal from now on is to overcome the adversity of violence and decadence that is so prevalent in our society. The weapons I choose to fight this battle are communication, peaceful resolution, and complete understanding. The war is now on all fronts, and for me the real war is ending the one in Iraq. I feel I owe it to the victims of this horrible conflict, both the freedom fighters and innocent families on both sides of the spectrum. I simply cannot sit down and allow greed mongers and war hawks to run our countries and govern our lives any longer. I have decided to do my share, collectively with others, to bring this tyrannical administration to its knees through words and acts of civil disobedience. If we allow the bastards to take a little more, soon enough they will have it all. The time has come to stop the madness.
To the many readers of our blogsite I give you my total and sincere appreciation. When I started writing from Iraq I never thought that anyone would care enough to hear from just another soldier. I was soon proven wrong. Your positive insight and support were a huge inspiration for our writing, even after the command ordered us to stand down. We have always felt that the supportive readers of this site were more than friends but trusted allies as well, and we thank you very much.
Until Freedom Forever!
J.D. ENGELHARDT
aka hEkLe
(former) Specialist, 1st Infantry Division, US Army
posted by E-4 Mafia at 11:45 PM
60 Comments:
Great important writing and brave service to our country by speaking out about the facts of this invasion.
Thank you sir.
Let's hope the rest of us find our intestinal fortitude.
John Tully
http://nyheraldsun.com
Hello there hEcLe,
Could you perhaps refere me to some active military blogs, that you like reading?
Cheers
Hans
As someone who is not an American, I wish to tell you that you have done a great service to humanity in preventing the rest of the world from seing every American as Rumsfeld but as human being. Thus you have made the future (if ever so far) cooperation among all the people possible. Thank You.
Thank you so much for your expressiveness. You write very well, and more importantly are choosing to. I'd like to reach out and reassure you on your feelings of guilt. It was your job to carry out orders from above, and my job (with other fellow citizens) to educate ourselves and speak out against these maniacs in power. You did what you had to. Unfortunately, for whatever reasons, we've been unable to. If anyone should ask themselves questions, it should be the overly fearful and apathetic United States citizenry.
Thank you again.
Thank you for surviving Iraq, hEkle. Thank you for waking up a sleepy soul to the political lies and deception that put young men and women at risk every day. Thank you for your wonderful gift of writing and bravery.
Thanks to you and to your friends for talking about your experiences and expressing your opinions in this blog.
Please keep on doing these both things using all the forms of communication as possible, never stop of say whatever is in your minds about the war and about your experiences, the people in this country must to know.
Thanks again and i hope to see anyone of you guys talking again here and in anywhere else.
Also as a non-American, I'm Australian, I add my support for what you are doing ... and sincerely hope that your life comes properly back together.
wise men admit mistakes fools degend them.Impeach bush and all the liars,no more bombs
Thank you so much former soldier for writing the truth. If you can change one person's mind from beleiving Bush lies that will help. I am so sorry for what you went through. I am so glad you survivied. Please be ok for all of us. We need men like you in this country more than ever. You are here for a reason.
Thank you for speaking out and telling the truth about the illegal war based on lies. I think you are brave, a person with honour and dignity. It is the cowards that are in denial and afraid. It takes a lot of guts to do what you are doing. I miss my home in Baghdad, it was once a beautiful place to live but like many others I had to leave because of the invasion and occupation. I hope one day I will see Bush, Blair and their cronies charged with war crimes, they are the guilty ones with blood of Iraqis and their own countrymen/women on their hands. Like you I speak out at every opportunity. As an English woman, I owe it to the Iraqi people, I am grateful to them for the best years of my life which I spent in their country. I wish you well and keep telling them what it was really like.
A huge lump in my throat, speechless...
Hug...
Thank you Brother..I too wondered if perhaps I may have been on the wrong side during my war, and I damn sure suffered greatly for far too many years because of that war!
I found myself by becoming an active Veteran Against the War...We must all BE AGAINST WAR! War must surely be the absolute last option always! Keep on with your "mission" and help bring an end to this ugly chapter in our history!
A tip of my beret to you, from this Vietnam Veteran!
De Oppresso Liber
I salute you, so glad you arrived home safely. Peace
I am at http://www.rebellenation.blogspot.com/
Words of wisdom, so well said. Thanks.
Very touching and probing stuff. Thanks for sharing it.
Your enormously important words have been quietly "immortalized" here.
The editors at The Whispering Campaign thank you for your honesty and your courage, and we will try to make more excerpts from your blog available to our readers in the near future.
Here's another whispering excerpt: The Time Has Come To Stop The Madness.
Thanks again, and please keep up the good work!
PLEASE dont stop writing. use this as a tool to reach people. let us know how to get envolved, stand up and fight a new war. you are inspirational and you are gifted with your words. Thank you for serving our country and most of all thank you for being real. welcome home.
Dear JD,
Excellent read! Has the timeless ring of truth. Yet it is modern-day and war is still going-on..
I grew-up an Army brat during the 60s and to me, it is as if America has no collective memory, nor even an interest in general history.
None of these guys in power now, ever "served" in real-life. Or anyone besides themselves..
I am greatfull that you met that Vet who told you to grab anyone and tell them. You are a Witness to History now. Stop with the guilt. You did what your country asked you to do. I do not thank my country for asking you-to, but I thank YOU for doing your duty as asked. Now you are home. This is a tricky time. Stay close to positive people. Paths will appear
You are a Witness to History now. Witnesses are all we have to really inform us. Keep writing, Keep writing, Keep writing.
It heartens me knowing there are folks like you out there in the world. Take care of yourself. Best Wishes!
Whew! Told you it struck a cord with me..
Very well put Brother and yes even though I dont know you you are my brother just like the milions of other veterans out there that did what they were told to do and now feel totally unhappy about our part in this war and others. The only way to change the status quo is to take a huge Roto Rooter to washington and on election day get rid of the people responsible. You will also find that now that your a civilian that the governemnt that you defended at the time now doesnt want to have anything to do with you. If you fall sick or injured dont look at the VA to help. THere are people out there that think that National Guard and Reservest that spent their time in Iraq and even Viet Nam arent veterans at all. I applaud you for your sincerity but to make a difference you are making a good start. Check out the www.veteransparty.us
and see what else can be done.
Welcome Home ad God Bless you Brother
Very well put Brother and yes even though I dont know you you are my brother just like the milions of other veterans out there that did what they were told to do and now feel totally unhappy about our part in this war and others. The only way to change the status quo is to take a huge Roto Rooter to washington and on election day get rid of the people responsible. You will also find that now that your a civilian that the governemnt that you defended at the time now doesnt want to have anything to do with you. If you fall sick or injured dont look at the VA to help. THere are people out there that think that National Guard and Reservest that spent their time in Iraq and even Viet Nam arent veterans at all. I applaud you for your sincerity but to make a difference you are making a good start. Check out the www.veteransparty.us
and see what else can be done.
Welcome Home ad God Bless you Brother
you are the biggest pussy i have ever heard of!
get the fuck out of here!
To "Anonymous" who wrote this:
you are the biggest pussy i have ever heard of!
get the fuck out of here!
Accusing someone of cowardice using anonymity as a cover... well, that sure is brave. Heroic, even:)
To the author:
Great article! Thank you for your courage and vision.
Boris.
Dear Sir,
I enjoyed reading your article. However, I am curious as to what Army unit you served with in Iraq. As a Marine Corps Reservist who did one tour in Iraq with 4th Light Armored Reconnaissance Battalion in 2003, your observations seem very strange to me. They are observations and opinions I have not found shared by any other OIF veteran I have met in the two years that I have been back.
In what areas of the country did you serve to have "never once saw a terrorist with extreme inclinations for senseless bloodshed"? Does targeting Shia civilians with car bombs count as "extreme" in your eyes? Are the "angry farmers and shop keepers" the people who manufacture the car bombs that have slain thousands of innocent Iraqis?
Please let me know what areas of the country you operated in, as I am very interested to learn more about your experiences. What was your job in 1st ID? To what unit were you assigned? Who was your company commander? What date did your unit rotate back to the States? Thanks again for your service. I look forward to hearing from you.
Semper Fidelis,
Cpl Matthew Schelberg
Bravo Co, 4th LAR BN., 4th MARDIV
Thank you for sharing your story ...
And yes dear ... WE ARE EVERYWHERE!
Thank you for speaking out. Keep up the great work.
I think you went to Iraq in order to achieve knowledge about our humanity, the Capitalism System in our Planet. Despite you didin't know this at that time and, perhaps, you don't know this today.
And you was courageous enough to face the challenge. And you win. You was a modern legionary of the modern Roma Empire and you don't lose your humanity.
While others lose theirs, you increase your humanity. Now you know how the real world is. But you are paying the price to do so. And it is a high price.
Keep talking about your experience. Keep fighting for your life and for humanity.
Álvaro Frota
Please let me know what areas of the country you operated in, as I am very interested to learn more about your experiences. What was your job in 1st ID? To what unit were you assigned? Who was your company commander? What date did your unit rotate back to the States? Thanks again for your service. I look forward to hearing from you.
Semper Fidelis,
Cpl Matthew Schelberg
Bravo Co, 4th LAR BN., 4th MARDIV
You Cpl is insinuating that hEcLe was not a soldier in Iraq? What a shame!
You are a traitorous scumbag. I am on my 3rd tour here and I can dispute every one of your seditious lies. I also wonder how much combat you, a specialist, ever saw. You are a weak miserable excuse for a man and I can assure you the American people will not support your attempts to threaten the security of the United States and further endanger its citizens by your reckless aiding, abetting and encouraging the enemy in their efforts to defeat our forces.
CPL
Please do not address this scumbag as "sir". You are 100 times the man he is. In answer to some of your questions. He was a pogue specialist-HENCE NOT iNFANTRY MOS - whose extent of combat was watching (and complainming about) the USMC success at Fallujah. He was apparently a driver or a gunner on a HMMWV for a VIP. By his own account he describes watching the battle -not participating -of course No not him! He's too big a seditious pussy to help win the war. He's too busy trying to defeat us by offering support to the enemy. He is devoid of honor and not worth your time. He will pass into ignoble anonymity like his fellow traitors. Nobody respects a coward or a loser. He's both.
Thank you for telling the truth as you know and understand it.
"Satyagraha is a weapon of the strong; it admits of no violence under any circumstance whatever; and it always insists upon truth."
Gandhi
Alvaro,
I too am asserting that this "blogger" neither served (recently) in the Army or in Iraq. Too much of his writing doesn't "add up." The terms used in some of his posts are not in common usage and haven't been since the 1970's.
My guess is that "Hekle" is really a pen name for an aging, Vietnam-era veteran or anti-war activist. Whatever attempts are made to pretend otherwise are belied by factual and terminology inconsistencies.
Perhaps the most daming evidence I can find is that there is only one "JD Engelhardt" in the U.S. Army whitepages on Army Knowledge Online - a PFC mechanic statinoned at Ft. Sill, OK. Even if "Hekle" reently ETS'd, he would still show up on the Army Knowledge Online Whitepages because all IRRs are carried in that database until completion of their 8 year MSO.
Nice try ... but you're BUSTED! You have zero credibility. I pity those gullible enough to believe you.
- IRR Soldier
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Whatever your views, I'm a military wife and I disagree with you. My husband is on his third tour. NOT ONE PERSON TWISTED YOUR FRICKEN ARM TO JOIN. I support Bush. He's the first president to do something for our troops (pay raises) or Kerry who is a pussy and would have screwed up our country more than Clinton and everyone else did. Bush has the balls to stand up to country who hurt the American citizens. What were we suppose to do take a back seat. The news says there are no weapons of mass destruction but weapons have been found. I would rather fight the war on their land. You are saying we shouldn't do anything about the thousands of lives that have been lost through bombings of the Muslims against our country? If you want to whine and complain about defending the country, then you should have never joined the service because only real men join for the cause of our great nation. My husband joined because of 9/11 and wanted to do something about our country and terrorism. Why did you truly join? Did you join like many other people I know just to get the Title of Army, USMC, Air Force, etc??? or did you join because you wanted to defend our country.
I'm sorry but your views are ridiculous. You should have never joined if you are going to complain and be a whimp about it. I support the war because like I said my husband wasn't tricked into joining but wanted to, Bush does something for our country and troops, and I would rather fight a war on their land than destroying our country. So if you are going to complain about living in the USA then move and maybe then you would have more respect for those who run our country (lets now forget Democrats have screwed up too and help run the country)
Bush didn't lie... Clinton did! Do we complain about Clinton going into Bosnia and because of what??? But you love to bitch about Bush standing up and doing something against a country who impacted our society greatly because of their inhumanity... You might think about writing something about next time until you look back at the Democratic party and how much more they screwed the country that Bush is now trying to fix!
OR GO ON MORE DEPLOYMENTS AND TRULY FIND THE RIGHT REASONS because 99% of the marines and soldiers I know and have talked to support Bush... Funny isn't it how the people who support Bush are defending our country!
Hugs and we hear you. Take care of yourself.
Hi,
What is the mission? I ask my 'righteous' brethren this question all the time; NO WMDs, so they move to Saddam; he's been "got" now; they move to the flypaper theory; just a logical trap. The 7/7 attacks on our ally proves them wrong; an attack could be today. They blow their top when confronted with this.
Bin Laden says his own role is to tell Muslims: 'What is good for them and what is not.' And what this man who grew up in wealth and privilege considers good for poor Muslims is that they become killers and suicide bombers. He assures them that this is the road to paradise, though he never offers to go along for the ride," Bush said.
Who does that sound like? It's a common human trait; projection.
The 'righteous' also fall into another trap; that of false dichotomy. "Support the war or you don't support the troops."
I support you guys; though not the mission (see above, what mission?).
This problem of flagging recruitment could easily be solved by signing up every one of the 200,000 Young Republicans to our military service.
Unfortunately, they aren't willing to sacrifice that much.
Keep your head down, liberals like me will have your back when you come home...even though it's obvious that we'll be "blamed" for losing this war, a la Vietnam...
The idiotic 'military wife' above posits so much crap, then kicks up a ton of dust so you can't see it.
Falling into fallacy after fallacy and my favorite, the old "blame Clinton"
Hey, "IMF" remember when the Republicans shot down Clinton's anti-terror bill?
The measure, which the Senate passed overwhelmingly Wednesday evening, is a watered-down version of the White House's proposal. The Clinton administration has been critical of the bill, calling it too weak.
http://www.cnn.com/US/9604/18/anti.terror.bill/index.html
Here's another refutation.
http://www.snopes2.com/rumors/clinton.htm
http://archives.cnn.com/2001/ALLPOLITICS/10/18/column.billpress/index.html
She really sounds like a 'radical Islamic' except Christian...here's a few Bible verses that prove extremist Christianity is right around the corner.
You must kill those who worship another god. Exodus 22:20
-----See why I fear fundamentalism?
Kill everyone who has religious views that are different than your own. Deuteronomy 17:2-7
-----See why I fear fundamentalism?
Everyone will have to worship Jesus -- whether they want to or not. Philippians 2:10
----But the Constitution says..
Booom, the harsh bright light of "factual" revelation will have this 'chickenhawk' hiding in her "spider hole" for a while, me thinks.
Bravo!
According to the CSM, Provost Marshall at Ft. Riley, KS. A SP4, or any other rank or variation of name J. D. Engelhardt never existed.
Hekle,
Thank you for writing. Been to 3 protests since 2004, (last one was the 24th ),and was lucky enough to be in a club in NYC during the Repuklian CONvention, listening to the IVAW, and the Vietnam Veterans for Peace. Went to hear Camilo Mejia last sunday. People need to really hear you, so they will see the light, and realize what these criminals are really doing to this country and the rest of the world with their insane brutality. I am so disgusted with the lies of the MSM, and people i run into that are desensitized to the killing. I wish you well, and peace be with you.
Thank you for speaking out and speaking up; thank you for serving when you were asked. Thank you for keeping your word.
Please keep blogging, don't let the mean-spirited hate-mongerers who leave vile comments stop you. It's important that you tell the truth, your truth, as you see it.
Peace. God's speed to you, your loved ones, and to everyone in Iraq.
American Patriot
Huuurrraaaa!!!!!!
Hardcore army dog. Stay alive and keep writting. It helps. Excellent post.
Semper Fidelis
Cpl.DC
Great article. This Vietnam vet can say that closure never fully comes. Now, even 40 years later, I still regret what I saw in combat in Vietnam. The only thing we can do is pass our experiences on to the next generation and hope that someday we will learn what a waste war is.
Thank you for coming forward about the use of white phosphorus in Fallujah for the Italian documentary. (http://www.rainews24.rai.it/ran24/inchiesta/)(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4417024.stm)
I hope other people who know what happened can summon up the same courage and publicly back you up. But no matter what, THANK YOU!
This is the bravest Iraq blog out there. PLEASE take care of yourself.
Good job.
I am very happy to see that there are military men out there who don't fit Kissinger's definition of them as 'dumb animals who are pawns to be used in the game of foreign policy.'
I support your cause. Keep fighting the good fight.
You are a SIR one of the very few left. For your bravery and fear on speaking out I bow to you. May God always keep you safe. I feel so sad that the American people cannot see a true HERO and a wonderful future president. Maybe they are so familiar with hearing lies they don't actually know what truth is like.
Please be assured there are many people who admire you. I am very sure many soliders do too they are just scared to stand up like you have.
Hi!
I appreciate the effort you have given to stating your views here.
When I read the opposing comments by other readers, it reminds me of the Jewish folks who feel it is their "mission" to bad-mouth muslims and anyone who thinks ill of Israeli policies.
I would like to suggest that as the U.S. mentions it's intention to withdraw troops before the 2006 U.S. elections .... I think that they are just gonna move a majority of the troops into Kurdish held areas. In fact, I think they will be invited in by the Kurds because of the sectarian violence which is taking place. I sometimes think that the U.S. is encouraging this sectarian violence.
In the big picture, the U.S. has set out to destroy the infrastructure of Iraq, with exception to Kurdish areas. The U.S. will bring sanctions against Iran and thus the Shiite will be starved for spare parts to update or repair oil facilities in the south.
Just a view.
Calm
My letter
To the families of 135 thousands american soldiers in war front line.
Dear friends, i’m italian man who saw – as a little boy – american, english, indian, newzealander soldiers fighting in these lands of Italy together with italian partisans in order to put a stop to the war was during about 4 years across all Europe. everytime I’m going from Florence to Siena I can see along the ancient Cassia way a big meadow full of white cross that cover the poor rests of american, english, indian boys. The same when I go from Florence to Pontassieve, direct toward Arezzo and Casentino, my native country. I saw with my eyes newzealander and southafrican prisoners marching two by two from the little rail station of Ponte a Poppi, in Casentino valley, district of Arezzo, toward Cappuccini hill, in front of the Count Guidi’s ancient castle; I was present at the relief, aid, assistance of three English pilots, shoot down by german air-craft artillery, near the ancient monastery of Camaldoli, aid operated from my oncles farmers… I saw one oncle of mine reported to the police by Italian people joined with fascist regime and delivered to german soldiers as traitor. Today 16 sons of yours will return, dead, at home. Not white cross in Iraq.
Something about Iraq war.
You know how here in Europe we acted very much in order to prevent your government from sending your kids at war. Millions of people went across the streets of London, Paris, Rome, Berlin, Athens, Amsterdam and so on. Florence, at today, is full of rainbow flags; even from my window, flag is yet fluttering.
There are 3000 italian soldiers in Iraq, sended against our will, violating the eleventh amendment of our Constitution. There are also 14.000 european soldiers. Many people today are sure that the send of your sons to Iraq was decided years ago by a few billionaires – so are named by Michael Moore -. These billionaires, as soon as they arrived to the total political power with your present President, have been searching for the casus belli, like about Vietnam, when American ships fired at other American ships so that mass media could speak about an attack of Vietnamese navy against your marines.
Do you know that there are millions of people in the world thinking that the attack against the twin towers had the same inspirators?
Actually it’s sure that, without the emotion and fear inspired by this "eleven nine", never and never Bush, Wolfowitz, Cheney, Rumsfeld…would succeed convincing American people, starting from Powell, about the necessity of this war. Probably they had in mind to convince the UN and all the world.
This war is a trick and a trap; within the trap there are at now your sons and even our carabinieri. No one knows the exit…
Well, it’s up to you to start. You know much better than me what to do. Remember, however, everything you will do about to finish the war against Iraq, you will have at your side the second mondial superpower, that is the public opinion, as the New York Times called it.
You should, for instance, invite Rumsfeld, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Condoleza…to stay permanent at Bagdad, Bassora and Mossul, together with your kids; you should send journalists and TV of your choice, you can operate for the impeachment of G.W.Bush as liar, more then Nixon in the past time. You could operate so that your government stop financing, arming and using Israel like eternal spring of violence and estabilization in this crucial area, and to let UN make peace.
The alternative is the killing of other your kids, the involvement of ours, the allocation of other billions of dollars, which certainly will happens after the next killing and so on, as the thinking of Wolfowitz and company.
Actually for to grind the hard grains of the war they need giant millstones, intelligent arms, perfect bombs, robot and aliens…
Not only: to rescue mondial economy permitting us to buy footing shoes so chip, they need to finance the military-industrial apparatus. But the mills that feed this apparatus move not with water: like Dracula, they drink blood. We are within the Maelstrom of E.A. Poe.
We must escape the undertow; basta (it’s enough) about Coups, Killings, dirty tricks; kling us to the barrel of human solidariety.
So, pluck up your courage, don’t curse the darkness, light a candle and big fire will follow.
Hallo. Courage.
This message, closed in the bottle of my post, I throw into the great ocean of the WWW. Hallo, stand up.
F.to Whitehair.
Post Scriptum.
I read in The Time:
Should the CIA be allowed to maintain a secret army?
Total Votes Cast: 46521
Yes 63 %
No 37 %
NOTE of the Time: This is an unscientific, informal survey for the interest and enjoyment of TIME.com users and may not be indicative of popular opinion.
In this way american people don’t help us. With so many billions of dollars in the hands of Rumsfeld, many and many will finish up to Cia for its secret army. How many soldiers of this army are going to go amid our BR (red bands), amid anarchic groups, trade unions, Vatican, in our Loggia P2, in the secret services “turned off”; how many of them are going to become embedded journalists, ancor men of Murdoch TV, of Mediaset Italian TV…? Can you amagine Latin America, middle orient, Israel, Arabs countries… It’s a budget out of control. They can do everything about coups, killings and dirty tricks. And this gang will do. Never we ‘ll go out. Then it’s up to you to tell american people: “that’s enough about secret army; our boys are sufficient. Because by this time, let’s be frank, the Cia secret army has been the first cause of our boys misfortune. Army like this prepares wars and, when it need dead, they vanish, became invisible not only secret, and let our sons die instead of themselves."
About proof, your bookshops are full. All is in public. Great America. Hallo, courage.
Sorry about my english language.
F.to Whitehair
Wrote in November 2003 on my blog.
A hug.
I also feel the pain you are feeling. I am an Vietnam veteran and I hate what America is doing again with mass killings. I support you 100%. Keep on with what you are doing.
whatever your contribution to the evil in Iraq may have been, I think that you have more than made amends by resisting throughout - via text - and by maintaining your humanity and fighting against the war once you returned stateside.
The white phosphorus revelations are huge. You played an important role in prying an admission from the military.
I, for one, salute you as a true patriot. You can eat dinner at my house any time.
Thanks, for protecting me. I'm sorry so many people can't appreciate what you guys have done, and I'm sorry you have to go through such a pointless, senseless war. I wish we could just bring everyone there back home, I'm tired of hearing about another dozen people die on the news every other day, knowing that some of those people are confused guys my age (20) just trying to get through life. These blogs give me another light on the situation, so thanks for putting them up too. Fuck what anyone says about treason, you guys are putting your balls on the line for us, regardless of your opinions.
Hi JD: I'm From Argentina. Here we are all against the war, and we think Bush is as tiranic and evil as Saddam Hussein. Even worse. We think he is using this war (as well as other ones)to make money. After all, the ones who pay are the people from Iraq, Afganistan, or whatever country they decide to invade, as well as the victims of terrorism. Terrorism Bush is promoting with this war. Terrorism the CIA and the american government has been promoting for a long time. I can't believe there are persons who are stupid enough to believe the bullshit this guy tells. Fighting evil? Defending freedom? Is there anyone stupid enough to think that terrorist attack you just because they are bad and you are good? When will you understand that you will stop suffering from terrorism when you stop messing with third world countries, creating civil wars, replacing governments, distributing weapons? That's the way you are seen from the outside. You don't realize the damage you cause. And, thus, you are partly responsible for the attacks you receive.
If your people heard you, JD, this would be a better world for everyone. I hope there comes a time when the innocent stop paying for the greedy or the stupid. Good luck, JD.
Two things should be pointed out: First: Free speech is still the law of the land; when an informed and experienced mind such as yours speaks out and other posts are calling for your removal, imprisonment, death, or torture - then you are doing the right thing.
Secondly: when did Congress declare war? For sedition to be committed under the US Code, only Congress can declare "War", not that scared little boy in the White House trying to impress his daddy and make his crony’s wealthy by illegally invading a country because we think that they mean to do us harm!
"Whoever, when the United States is at war, (etc.)" & "Whoever, when the United States is at war willfully causes or attempts to cause insubordination, (etc)"
WHEN DID CONGRESS DECLARE WAR???
The government of this country is, in the words of former Congressman Berkley Bedell, "A corporate oligopoly" - government for sale to the highest bidders. The biggest bidders include the oil companies such as Exxon-Mobil; who's last quarter profits were a paltry $45 million dollars - an hour!
It's not a government by the people; but rather a government bought by some people, against the people.
It may all come down to another civil war with the people against the government.
Chose your side carefully...
Touching stuff.
Thanks for sharing ..
I think the people that support Bush should get off their FAT/RICH ass and fight the damn war!!! i am tierd of people not being able to think for themselves, thanks for being strong and telling your story NOT EVERY soldier signed up for this CRAZYNESS and for you people that think you know it all why don't you go and see how Iraq really is you don't know you never being there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I hate this war with a passion!
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